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  • Writer's pictureAutumn Carter

Check Your Boundaries

Boundaries are rules set to protect ourselves and our family members. They can be set individually or as a family. It is best to set them ahead of time, but some boundaries are not realize until they are about to be crossed. When boundaries are not clearly defined, family members can have a hard time being independent of one another causing enmeshment to take place. Enmeshment is when a relationship is one sided . Some boundaries are universal such as the need for personal space and some are individual or cultural such as pointing a finger at someone when speaking of them.

Gilmore girls is great example of enmeshment or codependency.

Rory had a hard time knowing when Lorelai was going to react as her friend or as her mom.

If the holidays left you feeling this way after spending time with family and friends, then read on.

Many families seem to have that one family member that crosses the line, but what if it is the whole family? In my case most of my family is toxic and I spent years blaming myself for their boundary crossing. It took my family treating my children with the same verbal abuse and boundary pushing for me to take a stand.

If you need help setting boundaries, here are the following tips:

  1. Take time to explore your comfort zone

  2. Openly communicate your feelings with others- this will help you to see who values your thoughts and who disregards them, spend less time with those who don't value your thoughts

  3. Find your supportive friends who will be okay seeing your ugly side and loving you anyway

  4. State boundaries when necessary

  5. Keep boundaries consistent- hello Gilmore Girls

  6. Let others know when they are close to crossing a boundary

  7. Practice saying no

  8. Practice not apologizing and saying thank you instead

These are my signs that my personal boundaries have been crossed:

  • I find myself avoiding the person

  • I feel dirty

  • I need to process (decompress) after spending time with someone

  • I find myself apologizing often

  • I justify them or myself

  • I question myself

  • I feel responsible for how they feel

  • My thoughts and decisions are disregarded

  • I become upset

  • Warning sign---I start to feel uneasy-----

What started as my desire to set a good example for my children became a desire to create a safe space for myself after a childhood to trauma. Let 2022 be your year of finding and maintaining healthy relationships.

How do you set and keep your boundaries around others?

What are your signs boundaries have been crossed?

Spend some time this week discovering what your signs of boundary crossing are, then comment below so we can help each other discover our warning signs.

Here are great resources if you need help keeping and setting boundaries:

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